What I truly enjoy now, is to be a creator, to be a visionary, to celebrate, to have lightness and joy. To live and act out of inspiration, passion and joy. My life has become all about evolving, moving, and doing it gracefully, beautifully. I think about my life as a true adventure, and I am very grateful, very free, very happy.
For me there is no need to dwell on the past. But maybe you like stories? I love ‘em too. But be careful not to believe in them. They are only true to the moment and must not be held on to. So here’s a bit about what led up to this…
I was one of those human beings that throughout his youth, more and more consciously, dug deeper and deeper into the big questions. Why was I here? What was my purpose? What was the meaning of it all? For years had been trapped in the world of this body, these habitual thoughts, this cultural conditioning. In my early thirties, change begun.
The previous years I had felt my world darken. I went thru chemistry, therapy and tried different psychological approaches. All of which gave me only temporary satisfaction. Eventually I realized, that there was no solution, I could not find any reason for my darkened state. I was deluded and miserable to an extent that was life threatening. I had become strangely uninterested in the particularities of my past. So I started to zoom in on the generic aspect of it all: What was at the root of all problems – who am I really?
Then suddenly, for the first time in my life, change appeared. I had an insight, which I would describe as something you know with absolute certainty. The insight was, that there was very little about who I was, that could be described thru words, thru thought. This insight somehow stalled my thinking process one night, and I fell into a deep spaciousness.
When I woke I was in a completely new state. A state of joy and love and gratefulness towards being born as a human being. A sense of connection to all living things, to the universe. And I had this wonderful emotion saying – the struggle is over, it is finished. There was nothing more to do in life, except follow the natural flow of it. So I did that – alas, for about a week. Then my critical mind returned. Still, it was the turning point, and from that moment on, the shadows of my mind, where never able to get hold of me for very long.
That experience send me off into the realm of spirituality – in pursuit of this state, that I had learned was called enlightenment. I quit my job as an architect, and spend the next year investigating spiritual teachings and practices. I wanted to find inspiration and solitude from natural surroundings, and singled out Chile as my starting point. I spend month hiking, camping, meditating surrounded by the dazzling landscapes, lakes and mountains of Patagonia. My journey inwards continued with lengthy stays at Buddhist monasteries, first in England, and later in Thailand.
It was a kind of shadow work process. When I went into silence, sensitivity increased and pains and fears came up from within. At times it was no fun at all. I am grateful that I met a monk called Ajahn Sumedho, who thru his immense wisdom and presence helped me to welcome these energies and cast the light of consciousness upon them. Eventually I became lighter and lighter for each day that passed. At one point I was sure to become a monk and live a life devoted towards peace and meditation.
By the end of the year I found myself in the rain forest monastery at Warp Marp Jun in southeast Thailand. A strange sensation came upon me. I was supposed to go back. I was finished with the spiritual stuff. It was time to come down from the mountain to face all worldly matters. I didn’t know why, I just knew it was time to go back.
So now, I’m back in back in society, back in business.
